Numbers

Numbers

Elsa gratefully closed the door behind her and leaned against it, letting the quiet stillness of her room engulf her. She had to be away from everything for a while. All the pressure was like needles pushing in all over her body. She wanted to scream or cry from frustration but she knew she didn’t deserve to feel anything.
After a few minutes of quiet breathing she began to feel more normal again.
She went over to her desk, took off her gloves and opened the pot of lotion Mrs. Glover kept giving her. The lotion had a high enough oil content that it didn’t freeze, but it did become thick and gritty.
Elsa shook her head as she waited for the lotion to seep into her hands, why did her parents do that. They kept saying they knew she loved them enough not to hurt them. Her hands balled into fist. Why wouldn’t they understand, she had hurt her little sister, who she loved more than anyone. She loved her parents but not as much as her sister, so she would hurt them more easily.
Elsa got up and walked around waiting for the lotion to penetrate her skin. Usually her little ritual of moisturizing her hands was calming but today not so much. To distract herself she went over to the flowers Gerda or someone else on the staff would freshen every few days. As she smelled the light fresh scent of the flowers she tried to remember going outside, playing in the grass and blowing dandelion fluff, but that just reminded her of Anna, which didn’t help anymore.
The crown princess of Arendelle went to her bookshelf and pulled out her books she was supposed to be studying. She liked her books they were quiet. She knew her parents were trying to help, but they were around so much sometimes, trying to get her to explain or something. She had tried so hard to explain what it was like but it seemed impossible for them to understand how it was for her because they had no magic.
Yes, yes, Papa was king and had the power to have people do things in his name. But it wasn’t the same as her powers. She couldn’t just dismiss her powers with they did something she didn’t authorize. They were a part of her and they didn’t listen to reason. It was like being king of a thunderstorm, lighting strikes where it will and not in a way she wants.
Elsa flipped open the book to the latest lesson. She liked her books, they didn’t effect her so much anymore. Whatever happened in a foreign land’s history did not affect her anymore. Math and science just were, and didn’t care about how you felt. So she didn’t have to either.
She didn’t have to either.
Elsa sat back.
It was over there, not here, not now. Papa said she didn’t have to worry about all those things even if she had to know about them.
Mathematics was even better. It was simply a language to describe some very limited things. It might be frustrating to come to understand, but math didn’t care. She could learn it and that would not mean math would like her but she could use it to protect her sister. Thinking about a math problem could distract her from her own problems. At the very least she could count and concentrating on that could calm her.
Sometimes it was so hard to not feel afraid or anxious, maybe these things would help. If she didn’t feel then she wouldn’t get upset and her powers wouldn’t go out of control and she wouldn’t hurt anyone, especially Anna.
That was it. So simple and distractions would make it possible. She just had to stay aware of what was happening, but not be a part of it.
Elsa smiled slightly and dove back into her studies. She could do that, she was sure.